Don't Go to the Prom if You'd Rather Stay Home, Play AD&D 3rd Edition, and Listen to Blind Guardian Instead: Intro: As Bobbin watched Arthur pull Excalibur from the mighty stone, he realized he wasn't going to the fair dance that evening He wasn't getting laid... Bobbin was not aware of his fate, to be sucked into a realm... Of paladins, dwarfs, druids, and mystical places... Of acrobats, necromancers, dodecahedrons, and a box of tissues to keep him company... A storm is brewing... "I'm gonna go read a J.R. Tolkien novel!!!" (damn sheet metal) The acrobat is not a real character The movie is bullshit, two thieves in the same party Waynes brother is the best actor I want my half-orcs baked in Muenster The queen from the Never Ending Story can't act The final battle sucks, Like a Gameboy Final Fantasy... Roll the dodecahedron Roll the million-sided die My paladin has 18/00 strength And an armor class of negative four Running Wild sucks Time to travel to Stonehenge With my party of bards and drunkards Equip a wench, add a rapist to your party Roll a save versus a vacuum cleaner and a bag of rice I'll get Gandorf the Conjurer to polymorph me a prom date While I listen to Rush Roll up a character Equip a Bastard Sword plus one I've got protection from normal missiles Get attacked by the Herpes Gun... (skit): "Hey, where's Bobby?" "Uh, he's at home playing AD&D third edition..." "Huh? By himself?" "Yeah... so how's you blind prom date?" "Well, she ended up being 45, she looks about 750 pounds... at least she didn't bring her four kids. Hey man, you hear any Jag Panzer, Steel Prophet, Edguy?" "American power metal sucks! Listen to Hammerfall!" Voice - "We used to listen to Helloween back when I was a boy!" "Who are you, wise old mage???" Voice - "I'm Kai Hansen!" (Notoriously ripped-off Bard's Song) "When I close my eyes... I close my eyes..." (Death metal conversion): "I'm not getting laid!" x 8 "I'm not going to the prom!" (The Jewish Mystic): "Magic Cards... Magic Cards..." "Stop putting Mana in the bin at EB!" "Why's there a fossil Pikachu in my Magic Deck? I'll put Mana on it so it can attack!"

I Wanna See A Dead Mormon: Come and move to Salt Lake City I hear the live there's really shitty Dirty hicks are all I see At least there's always polygamy Joseph Smith, Joseph Smith Your revelations don't exist I hate every religion I wanna see a dead Mormon Your infectious disease spreads so astray Just like the Patels in Lansdale, PA Why can't you all be Tao Buddhists? Not fucking Christian hypocrites When there's grass on the field, it's time to play ball but no, you're kids can't fucking date at all I smash your head with a baseball bat Then sodomize an altar boy's ass I hurt you bad, "oh god in heaven" As I listen to Neil Diamond records I take no pity of your feeble lives While I rape your 20 wives You're about as backwards as the Arabs I'd rather you just worship scarabs Get out of my country @^%#$#$&%?!

My Hero Masturbates In A Theater Just Like Me: SN: "Since before... I'd always kick it by the camel races, But since tonight, you know it wasn't right, It wasn't tight, The sight of crackers pimping my style Drinking crab juice and goulash, from the very last mile Of the Nile, while listening to the Mad Arab Part II... Playing Prince of Persia, drinking Wawa Egg Nog and Mountain Dew, Zima, horse piss, clam juice, take your pick Teri Hatcher needs to get AIDS from a Compaq..." No, I don't want Coca-Cola Classic, I want that original 1900s shit, So I can snort coke from pill boxes I bought from a shoe shine boy With them old-world baseball playaz Colin Powell needs to get colon cancer, motherfucker Jerk off to validate your parking I want an 8 x 10 motion hologram of Jesus getting an erection, While Crash Bandicoot sucks him off like the faggot he is, While Ben Stiller wears a chin strap-on, and gives himself eye-socket sex, While John Candy, Chris Farley, and B.I.G. stay fat and dead.

Sounds Like Pearl Jam: Sour cream, baked potato with cheddar I believe I can sound like Eddie Vedder Yeah, yeah, I believe I can Sound just like Pearl Jam Sour cream, on my baked potato-ohh-oh That girl had a big cock-tomato Flannel shirt, and my torn up jeans Gonna get laid, not by my own means Imitation, leads to adoration At least I don't look like Charlie Sheen Yeah, yeah, I believe I can Sound like Dave Matthews without his band Redbelly and Creed Ain't got a thing on me... (really stupid atmospheric part): "Ooohhh.... I'm going hungry... Paint Box and Seven Mary Three..." Sour cream, on my baked potato-ohh-oh That girl had a big cock-tomato That girl, she gave the best head I believe I can sound like Eddie Vedder--errr...

Fantasy Penis: I lock up my fantasy penis so tight... IN MY ASS! I keep my love hidden away with 4 spare C batteries My lube is so minty fresh, just like Darlee toothpaste, to alleviate that morning after spermy breath I go to bed smiling, thinking of my fantasy penis... As my hairy nipples grow so hard, wow.

Give Me Candy On Halloween You Fucking Jehovahs: Daddy's body is getting shipped home via an orange crate from the Fruit of The Month Club Evolved from Hitler's penis I'm buying skateboards from Jay Leno Eat food off the street like in a video game Getting blow jobs in Ring King Clifford has a 30 foot dick and Steve is raping Blue's 5 inch clit Gotta lose more money at an Indian casino If I ever get stuck in my room, I'll live off of Wheatena and snow globes Hell would be having an NES controller glued to your hands While playing Solar Jetman for all eternity You smell like a fucking panda exibit

Fat Penis Bitch: Lick Tommy Lee Jones's musty asshole Shove an ice shard in Ben Stiller's pee hole Eat a leper's penis with Hunt's Catsup Shove an ice dildo in John Candy's snatch box Fat penis bitch Fat penis bitch Fat penis bitch A bitch with a fat fucking penis Feed Mr. Ed's penis to Eric Clapton's dead kid Rape Emily Dickenson with Roncho's ice dildo Castrate Blaze (Baley), Pascal, and Immanual Kant Dig up the Columbine kids and set them on fire Have Lemmy and Omnipey rape Alleia's corpse with Grandma's Molasses Put Nancy Regan in a burlap bag and beat her with three decaying dwarfs... no, little people... Shove a glow stick up a raver's ass Put a henna tattoo of a swastika on your dick and fuck Raul Julia in his M. Bison ass Titty-fuck Julia Roberts with a toothpick at Starbucks Jam your needle dick into an MP3 player and listen to Rush, You prog fag, go buy some Magna Carta CDs!!!

You Suck Because You Can't Use C++: Yes, I'm that kid with the grey tie-dyed shirt With the wolf pictures on it And the tight blue jeans I wear athletic sneakers for some reason I guess I played softball in grade school... I have lots of dandruff and flaky dry skin With zits... and my hair is nasty and brittle Yeah, I'm that kid I sit in the back corner during computer class Playing Space Invaders on my TI-89 The only other shirt I have has a spray painted X over a Macintosh logo, and it's two sizes too big And no, I don't know Why I wear a belt I may have a necklace, with a dragon holding a blue marble I draw pictures of Star Wars characters With dead Jar-Jars everywhere The closest thing I've ever gotten to seeing a naked woman was an ASCII drawing I saw in a chatroom for Rise Of The Triad Fuck boyscouts, I learned more about knots untying my Commodore 64 controllers, and I bet my ASCII character table you know what I'm talking about! I'm going to go look for unicorns on Ebay... Yeah, I'm the quiet one, Always look out for the quiet ones!!! We flock to a certain lunch table! Drinking chocolate milk... And speaking few words!!!

Ling Bell For Brow Job: Yo man, I gotta buy that new Dick Ammo 3 game 'cause it's cooler than Bo Jackson in the Pro Stars cartoon Gotta sell a million magazine subscriptions for school to redeem points for a free copy of Bill Lambeer's Combat Basketball and a free Zoop rental from Blockbuster. This computer comes with 90 software titles Including Mavis Beacon Sucks Dick for Cigarettes and Pandemonium. U2? Joey Ramone died listening to that shit! Old people eat at diners that make really shitty pasta... and they got hair plugs. While I continue drawing white supremacy and dirty innuendo murals on the soles of my feet I've never used sports equipment for their rightful purpose in my life gonna ride off your epilepsy like a Pokemon penis It's just like writing dirty ad-libs when you were a kid then raping your 57 year old kindergarten teacher with a plastic Play-Doh tool, then eating the Play-Doh and getting yelled at for not sharing the paste with the Latino kids, because they were too busy buying handguns from the suburban white kids, who were buying crack made from baking soda and rubber cement from those marketing genius black kids, who were stealing EVERYONE'S bikes and selling them to the Chinese, who were getting paid three cents a month to sew the Nike logos onto our shoes and twist the caps onto the Darlee Toothpaste tubes, who used to have a black man on the cover and I'll be so out of it if I won't be able to predict the plot in a Scooby Doo episode Kid's Bop is gay. Raping stupid neo-hippies with Tony Iommi's missing fingers then just saying "fuckit" and rusty chainsawing their crotches I peed on the theater floor when I saw Crocodile Dundee 3 with two other people in the audience, and the other guy had already left Drawing flipbooks of schools getting blown up in my vocab book Older than the combined cast of Cocoon, Gonna do a J Edgar Hoover on your ass and wear women's clothing Ticketmaster will never stop being gay PTSD and Alzheimer's victims should write sporadic death metal What you really need is an illegal Mexican immigrant underage male prostitute with an STD and a Mary Tyler Moore hairdo Hitler moustache and penis-mullet porn is hard to find DRUM SOLO!!!

Elephantitis in Reverse: Mmm... Gungan Balls!!!

Hairy Jewish Women: Hairy Jewish women to get entangled in a pubic web Fight those philistines again, with a side of matzo Zion twat, Gorilla nipples I cling to Suffocate my nippled lizard in your muff Babylonian captivity, Planet of the Semitic apes, I like hairy Jewish women, moustache combs for all! Hey bitch, there's hair in my Barmitspha You need to sew a yamica around your whole body, That's how hairy you are... ha ha, bitch But you get hornier than Arab fecal fetish porn Born an American Blue-collar working class man Asbury Park, New Jersey Bon Jovi, weeping love grass Blond hair, blue eyes Kick the Irish out of the country Execute all people with beards Born in a small town Born off of route 18 in New Brunswick Vote for Regan, because he has Alzheimer's 70 years ago, we were tacos, for the Germans.

A Night In The Box: (Left): Cuttin' dem heads off them parkin' meters capin'... don't lose that spoon! why did Mrs. Schlief have us watch this? I like to shoot wild game with my gun Luke would have made it if he just jerked off in the box. Luke should have jerked off while the old man told sex stories. Sometimes nothing can be a real cool hand. Cool Hand Luke needs his own brand of beer. Paul Neuman needs his face on a condom. 'cause that's the way of the south and I beat my wife. Jesus tastes best with chicken feed and jew ash His momma's smokin' weed in the back of a trailer. I wish people were like dogs 'cause I'm an ugly old weed smoking bitch Tell Luke to stop hitting on his mom, an incestual triangle between fat momma, a hunting badger, and a severed penis. We shovel like maniacs and look like a bunch of fake Arabs in a Charlten Heston movie. Nobody can eat 50 eggs in an hour. Tell Clarence to get his hands off of my titties, my anus is not keen to your southern hospitality I'm the official egg peeler, I've got my picture on the wall at Cheeburger Cheeburger with an Iron Maiden shirt and a pentagram. 50 eggs, stomach hung like a dying Ethiopian, all hail the goider people. All right now get mad at them damn eggs. Jesus crucified on a table of eggshells, we work all day banging weeds with shovels in the middle of nowhere Hey Luke, your mother's dead, and I jacked off to her fly-covered corpse while I was in the box. Lay that banjo on me. What we have here is a failure to communicate. (Right): Look what they did to old blue, Strung up in barbed wire like a German soldier in a bad Motorhead ballad about 1912 or whatever. Blue'd done run himself to death. You're getting to smell so bad, I can track you myself Falling down with that damn Charlie Brown sound I ain't ever killed no white man Damn those low keys on the piano Hey, darky, what you got that axe for? Bet you got a lot of rope, now get me some chili pepper and curry or you'll be up in that tree. Old blue died snorting the coke, now he's the bacon in my grits Poor old Luke can't get enough of dem bondage chains and cowboy leather. You tend to get really horny in jail, straighten out that bench. High school = jail civil rights = gone Want to spend the night in the box with Luke, so you both can J/O. If something wet hits you in the dark Stay away from the guy who clucks like a chicken, he'll suck your dick for a pack of cigarettes. yeah boss, he's smoking more than cigarettes, he's smoking cock... smoking weed man. Keep kicking that football, Luke! Put down that fucking banjo, and stop snapping out of rhythm. At least they didn't bury him alive. Where are you? Where are you now??? Bunch of horny old men, I don't want Luke to run again, I want him to be a good boy I want him to fetch me a turtle. The boss's got mirrors for eyes I'm like a pussy version of the running man. Gonna get me some farm girls, with buck teeth and hereditary illness. Big titted ones, yep, that there's a nice pig. I ain't planned anything in my life. They broke me worse than shitty American cars They should have Jesus brand cigarettes, Shaped like crucifixes, tasting like dead Jews. So god, what's next? You've turned me into a jack-rabbit, and grinded my testicles to a pulp. Keep talking to God, Luke. Sometimes nothing is a cool hand, and a cool hand will shrivel your phallus while you masturbate - now what we've got here, is a failure to communicate...

Ghost Dad: Jello Pudding Pops! New Coke! Picture Pages with Mortimer Ichabod! Kodak Film! The Fat Albert Theme! Gotta go give the graduation speech at Temple, and help injured 400 meter runners at the Penn Relays, where you can buy reggae mix tapes, bootleg Tommy, and fake 2-Pac albums

The Delorian Has Stalled In 1632 and Marty's Still Out of Hair Spray: Akira's new DVD voices suck Just like every fucking Kevin Bacon movie Stir of Echoes and Hollow Man really fucking suck... Brigham Young is taped to the front of my car, Grandma still smells like mothballs and cedar the third of every movie sucked Survivor's girls are always really fucking ugly Mommy, why's that squirrel dead? Jersey air (ad finitum) One night, I drew a penis on my penis

Shake A Baby: Hey, John Kruk! How's it hangin'? John Bobbit's penis in a mortar and pestle No more bloody tampon cereal dead baby in a basket is it Eric Clapton's kid or John Benet Ramsey? Shake Shake Shake Shake Shake Shake a baby! Shake it like an Etch-A-Sketch Shake Shake Shake Shake Shake Shake a baby! Shake and Bake that fucker Shake Shake Shake Shake Shake Shake a baby! Shake it like Scrappy Doo Shake Shake Shake Shake Shake Shake a baby! Shake a baby and get a free copy of Forsaken for N64 Shake it like Popeye and Son Shake it like a bitch mmm... tastes like Similac and a hypodermic full of brandy rape the baby like Scrappy Doo Shake it until it's as ugly as David Hasslehoff's hairy back Shake Shake Shake Shake Shake Shake a baby! Shake it like you're wanking to an episode of Three's Company Shake Shake Shake Shake Shake Shake a baby! Shake it like the extended theme from Cops Shake Shake Shake Shake Shake Shake a baby! Shaken not stirred! Shake Shake Shake Shake Shake Shake a baby! (Aryan chant) Make a milkshake out of the Gerber baby! Shake it 'til it's got more color than a lesbian convention! Hey kids, it's quarter past orange! That means it's time to mail me your parents wallets and prescription drugs! Then jack off to Cannibal Corpse and the extended theme from Cops! Shake Shake Shake Shake Shake Shake a baby! Shake Shake Shake Shake Shake Shake a baby! Shake Shake Shake Shake Shake Shake a baby! Yeah!

That Crazy Ole' Cherry Poppin' Jesus: TG: "I am The Turban Goober! Find me a freemason weed dealer! One time I used to own Pet Ebay, but no one wanted to buy turtles that broke after I dropped them" SN: "What the fuck is Super Mario Bros. about anyway? I wish they made a sequel... Did anyone even SEE Double Dragon?" Still werin' your Courtney killed Kurt" t-shirt? Gonna shove an ice dildo up your bitch-wigger mini-skirt Swastika Shvatza Cracker Penis-Whacker George Dubya Bush is a cocaine stacker Need to buy harps made in Uruguay General music class kids are real fucking gay It's got the flava of cherries... "Um... I'll have a berry..." Sand to the n-i-g-g-e-r, Got an area rug strapped on top of my car Pez equals crack, American flags from China, Red, white, and blue/support Communism, too! I'm a Taliban man with a Timex wristwatch, Ashes bound in kosher flesh, Shout out to Omnipey in the neo-adobe utopia, a nasal sex cornucopia When did Nintendo start getting so shitty? Rape all those fucking Nu-metal girls in Kitty Getting fucked up on a pill cocktail and watching Tron "I got my jaun on..." Big black dick in Asian twat Bleeding like a shot up cop Never been a cab that didn't smell funny Just like I never met a girl named Page that wasn't ugly Gonna rob an elder's apartment with a matchstick... Segal sucks Van Damm's penis I'm going down to the used food and contraceptive store... Football players like cocaine thrown in their helmets Asian fusion and white supremacy together at last Crispy like Colonel Sanders Ms. Pacman should not cost 50 cents Tanning salons are real fucking gay Necco wafers keep even sharks away Oh no, someone stole Bill Ward's Zil-bel, I don't think he'll miss it... (wait... he uses Sabians...)

Catholic Cadillac Street Preachin' Faggot: Jerk off to your parents' yearbook and listen to a Mother Teresa speech Silly Nigga, trees are for squirrels. Reality TV has to die, like those dancing Pepsi cans and singing fish Animate it like the third Aladdin, and the later episodes of Captain N Kill Penn and Teller and every post Adam West Batman actor. Silly Jew, ovens are for cakes...

Penis Whore Mongrels: Pilgrims eat turkey and pumpkins and Indians. Penis penis penis kill them with dirty needles and battery acid enemas Fuck curio cabinets, fucking ugly little plaster houses Stink like Shaq-Fu and Michael Jordan cologne Frozen wop ain't defrosted Inverted satanic jester ball well Middle Eastern people with British accents are funny Only morons move a doorstop with their hands

Death Metal Poetry Reading: Trees and the forest little froggies in the meadow a steamroller is out of gas serene streams fishies jump with glee damn, someone put rice in the bulldozer's tank mountains of the red man the goats march proud with vigor and in heat but those fuckin' injuns gotta build more casinos to fuck over the white man bye, bye, dead sea's serenity another Japanese tourist needs their mud facial just 3 tigers left for the chinks too better cut off the alpha male's penis soon I need some fucking aphrodisiac that's right, you fucking Africans you dance for the white man to buy ramen for your family and bras for those saggy tits

Ren and Stimpy Sucked After Season 2: Sell your body parts on the black market to buy yourself a Sears guitar Take up a hobby of subway bum-fucking When your blood thickens back up From all the aspirin you took You'll remember how gooey-good NyQuil used to be The ocean child must die The government is a fudge packer and likes vibrating rabbits Malt 40s are your friend, Just like a bottle of Thunderbird Because if Jesus were a cross dresser, He'd use Silky Smoothe stockings Available at fine gay Christian retailers Next time a vegetarian is in a coma, Break open their skull and dine upon the sweet nectar inside Because if it can't scream, You can eat it. So drug your victims After spending 37 years in jail getting raped by a 370 pound black man with tattoos named Roncho, I lost the ability to use my sphincter. Yeah, it's stupid like a Field Of Dreams sequel Far Side t-shirts are finally dead and no one noticed Murray Murray Murray Murray! I remember the shitty big-font purple Xeroxes of elementary school, and that really shitty yellow toilet paper they expected us to practice handwriting on

The Gordon Thrompit Manifesto: He's a black man, about 5 foot 4, get's his thrills at the liquor store... He's an ex-guitarist of WASP, how divine An ex-drummer of PC-69 Sparkly platform shoes, swinger rock star... He's good with computers, He's lousy with cars He's a white wrestler with blue hair I keep a picture of him in my wallet 'cause I care My best friend and yours, He's so intellectual Got a wife named Mary, guess he ain't no homosexual He's Andy Timmons's brother on the end of a rope Head at the Trocadero and Against the Grain in New Hope...